Here’s where I’m “at”: I don’t want to write about this anymore! I don’t want to think about the past. At least not the painful parts. I don’t want to think of myself in terms of how I’ve been abused or victimized. There’s a big way in which I’m just “done” with “that.” Sorry for all the quotation marks! It’s just that I’m using the words I really want to use even though I know they are vague.
I had set for myself the task of writing about these ASCA matters because it was a very direct way to address my feelings of impotence. I wanted to take charge of my own healing. I know I’m not done healing. But I want to focus forward. I want to address my healing needs with creative approaches; I don’t mean by “creative” simply imaginative, but rather actual creation. I want to Create my own healing. Also, (another disclaimer) I’m not pretending I can do this enirely on my own. But I am claiming that I have to be the one in charge.
This is the same approach I take with my piano students. I guide their progress, I equip them with tools (skills) for their craft, but I also (and this is what I think is the most important part) I give them my faith in their own ability, musicality, creativity; I challenge them to think, to explore, to make their way forward. I remind them frequently that they are in charge. They are in charge of themselves, their practice, their goals, their performances, their growth. My students love this. I love seeing them thrive in this context of confidence and equipage. And I’m always delighted with what they can accomplish when no pre-determined box is assigned them.
So how do I expect to give myself this same freedom? I’m trusting that looking for what works for me is a large part of what works for me. I’m seeking, looking, looking until I see. I love this. I love to look at little delicate details in the grand gorgeous canvas of nature. I love examining the little details in a big story and discovering pivot points. I want to focus more on noticing my own current choices and seeing for myself which little arc or tangent I want to explore.
By now, finally (!), I am “okay” with no-longer working for the Church. Walking away from music ministry was a huge and painful thing for me. But I just can’t abide the all too pervasive constraints that hierarchy places on lay workers, and I can’t accept that I am meant to be muzzled by anyone for any reason. I’m a huge believer in Story. By Story I mean each person’s telling of their own experience. I have so much confidence in God, that I’m not worried by inconsistencies or paradoxes found between pieces of truth. I know in my soul that Truth is One, but I also know that that One-ness is like a kaleidoscope. The One-ness of Truth, of God, of Love, is not static; it’s dynamic. Or really, the best way I’ve heard so far to put this into words is to say: There is Truth, and his name is Jesus! But again, I have to be quick to say, while I believe the historical Jesus is the cosmic Jesus is my personal savior, is Lord & Creator of all, I also am glad & grateful to say no one of us can put Jesus in a box. No one person or set of people have a monopoly on knowing Jesus. I’m not embracing relativism here. I’m suggesting that human hearts are bigger than our minds and that’s a good thing. God likes to dwell in our hearts, enlighten our minds, move through our thoughts and feelings and actions. God delights in expressing Life in infinite variety; each of us is a beautifully unique variation on the theme of God.
Okay, I’m really rambling here. I see that! What I really want to establish here is this: I can’t keep to a fixed plan, even one I’ve set for myself. I have to let myself move on. I have a natural predisposition for feeling compelled to do things systematically and exhaustively. But I also have a personal nature that seeks flight. Somewhere I once wrote “colors help me feel, and frames help me think”. I was writing about why I need art. But it’s true in all kinds of living. I’m glad and grateful for all the frames I’ve inherited and been taught, but I’m especially glad I know they are just tools. If I were a painter, I would want to put my canvases in frames (because I think frame structures are beautiful, and make commentary on what’s within them), but I would also extend my painting onto and around them. Frames are horizons, not the end of the journey, just another marker for a future goal.
So, I want to keep writing here, and I will occasionally proceed with answering the questions in the ASCA manual which I find helpful, but I’m releasing myself from any expectation of thoroughness or schedule.
May the ears of my soul listen for what is and what is to come,
may the eyes of my heart seek the rising sun, and
may all my senses rejoice for Being here and now,
born of the past, and birthing now;
eager for each next step. PBJ!
Hoo Cares 