Tag: healing

Tangles or Tapestry?

Image result for untangling knots

Other fears I’ve listed in a previous post:

  • Apathy (within myself) I guess I’m not really afraid of this.  It’s just something I’ve never experienced, and it’s something I tend to condemn.  Apathy implies a lack of concern where care should be given.  To recognize I don’t need to be interested in something or to discern I cannot make a productive response, is not apathy, and is often wisdom at work.  So while I hope I am never apathetic about something for which I should actively care, I am fully content to let go of what I cannot improve or to which I cannot productively and appropriately contribute.
  • Not knowing my purpose in something.  This is something I have experienced only during major transitions in my life.  I seek purpose, and I typically find it! I can identify two times in my life when I knew I needed to walk away from my life as I knew it then and walk into an undefined, undetermined future.  Of course the future is always truly unknown, but most of us establish plans before we end former commitments.  I am currently in my third transition.  I have yet to “discover” my “new” purpose.  This is extremely uncomfortable for me, however, I am discovering it’s not as unbearable as I thought it could be!
  • Vomiting.  This is an irrational fear that I have had since childhood and continues today.  As a young child I got the “stomach flu” frequently and often found myself vomiting into the toilet in the middle of the night.  I would wretch until there was nothing left to throw up; then my body would convulse with “dry heaves.”  I thought I could die, and I felt so helpless.  Sometimes Mom would hear me and come to my emotional rescue holding me until I quit convulsing.  As an adult I realize I won’t die, but I feel my historical terror none-the-less.
  • Failure to protect a child in my care.  I don’t believe this has ever happened, and I hope it never will.  To me, failure to protect a child in my care would be unforgivable.  I can’t imagine living with myself were I to fail in doing everything I possibly could to protect a child.
  • Not being prepared, if I’m the one in charge.  This is one of those fears of something I’ve never experienced, but it has been the drama of nightmares.  To me, “not being prepared” is on par with being naked when I should be clothed.
  • Poisonous creepy crawly creatures or flying things that sting (especially hornets).  I am somewhat allergic to bees so this fear is quite understandable.
  • Crashing in a car (because I’ve experienced this twice now, & I hope to never again!)  The moment before an actual crash is truly terrifying.

As I work through my list of fears I realize none of them are more than I can handle.  I suppose I could conjure up hypothetical situations that would be more terrible or terrifying than anything I’ve listed, but I tend to not concern myself with unlikely hypotheticals.

Facing my fears was an exercise I imposed upon myself.  It was mostly difficult, but I’m glad I did it.  Having done so, I believe the fear that still cripples me to some degree is that of Fear-of-Shame, fear of being misunderstood or unjustly condemned.  One constructive way I can address this is to write.  Much of what perpetuates shame is silence.  To write my story in my words with my voice helps me break that silence and dissolve the faux-shame.  Using my voice seems to be one of the most important avenues for my healing.  This is why I blog.  I mostly blog for myself.  But I am truly grateful for my readers.  To know someone has taken the time to read my writing, to “listen” to my thoughts, is amazing gift, and is a cherished thread in my tapestry of growing wholeness.  Thank you!

Image result for back side of a tapestry

Advertisements

Judging Judgement

Fear of being judged.  This is a fear I am out-growing.  In fact, I’ve almost completely out-grown it, but I still remember the pain of some early experiences of being (what felt to me) condemned, and the anxiety of pending critiques by others.

One of my earliest memories of being “judged” was when, in first grade, my teacher made “an example” of me.  I know I excelled in math.  I was doing multiplication and division by the age of four.  I don’t think I was aware at the time of my advanced skills.  I just enjoyed math activities, and I greatly enjoyed my dad teaching me!  However, there came a day when I neglected to sufficiently read the instructions at the top of a test paper.  The test comprised only subtraction problems.  Each problem was presented with a larger number over a smaller number with a line below, but there was no plus or minus sign beside the second number.  The instruction to do subtraction was indicated only in words at the top of the paper.

I sped through the test, adding each pair of numbers.  I even took time to check my work.  I knew my addition was correct.  I was the first to turn in my paper.  I was expecting an A+ per usual.  When everyone had finished, the teacher called everyone’s attention, held up my paper, and said something like “I’d like you all to learn from a mistake by [she said my name].  The instructions were to subtract, but she added each pair of numbers.  Her addition was correct; however she failed the test because she did not follow the instructions!”  As she held up the paper, everyone saw a huge black “F”.

I was horrified.  I felt such burning shame.  I was shocked I hadn’t done what was instructed.  And I was appalled to receive an “F”!  But I was even more dumb-struck that the teacher was humiliating me in front of everyone.  I wanted to hide, but there was no-where to go.

I don’t remember if I told my mother about it when I got home.  I probably did.  I think she looked at all my school papers.  She probably “consoled” me with some unspoken sign of sympathy, yet reinforcing the teacher’s lesson that it’s important to follow instructions.  I certainly learned the lesson to read instructions, but I’m too much of a non-conformist to pretend I always follow them.  But I also learned another lesson, one I believe is even more important: teachers should never, ever humiliate a student!  Shame is cruel.  And as a teacher, I follow THAT instruction faithfully and consistently!

In fact, the #1 rule I set for myself is to ALWAYS show respect to each student, and if they make any kind of mistake (which all learners do because that’s part of exploration), first find the good in what they’ve done.  I believe in first empowering what is good in a child’s native ability, and reinforcing the goodness of every particle of excellence.  More often than not, what needs correcting can be done in terms of showing how what they did well could be furthered.

A simple example of first focusing on what works regards fingering: if a piano student stumbles through a passage, and I perceive it’s because of faulty or sloppy fingering, I don’t immediately point out what they did wrong and how it marred their fluency.  Instead, I point out passages they played correctly and beautifully/ fluently/ meaningfully, and then I show them how their good fingering facilitated that.  Then I ask them what they think they might improve.  Most of the time, students will know well enough for themselves without being told what could be better and how to make improvements.  If they need a little nudge, I gently help them notice.  Often simply modeling better alternatives is sufficient.  Even if a student were to play a piece composed in a minor key entirely in the relative major, I still wouldn’t make them feel shame for not reading the key signature!  I might even note how interesting it was to hear it in a new key!  We could have a chuckle at how marvelous it can be to hear something from another angle!  But then, that’s the luxury of being an artist: multiple viewpoints are valuable.

Even (especially?) as a teacher, I sometimes discern a mistake need not be corrected at all.  I am aware that often the guidance a student needs from me in a particular situation is simply how to think, how to focus forward, what to actually DO (rather than what to avoid).  I find that, for myself, and I believe for most creative types, what we focus on in our thinking is what will be made manifest in our art.  If I were to instruct a student to not do a particular thing and they kept thinking “don’t do x,” they would likely DO x, despite the “don’t” in the instruction.  But if I were to say “focus on y,” they would focus on y and they would DO y.  I.e. the object of focus is the issue, not the instruction about it.  So, in my opinion (and vast teaching experience!), it’s far more important to direct growing minds towards good habits, strengths, goals, choices, rather than call (especially any unnecessary) attention to mistakes, weaknesses, or what to avoid.

Focus forward!

Image result

Safety is Always Essential

Where-ever you are in your healing process, “you need a framework of physical and emotional safety in order to progress in your recovery, because child abuse — at its core — is about being and feeling unsafe. People can change only from a position of safety. If you don’t feel safe, then you won’t progress in your recovery. You want a strong foundation upon which to build your new self, and safety is the core of that foundation.” (From ASCA* “Survivor To Thriver Workbook Introduction) [*Adult Survivors of Child Abuse]

You can find a link to this free workbook and other resources on the ASCA Meeting Resources page.  Click here.

If you are working on your recovery/ healing from abuse/ trauma, you are:

  1. Courageous
  2. Brave
  3. Honest
  4. Kind
  5. Aware
  6. Imaginative
  7. Free in Spirit
  8. Unique
  9. Patient
  10. Empathetic
  11. Insightful
  12. Wise
  13. Complex
  14. Good

Hoo-ray! Keep going!  May you find wholeness.

You are amazing!

“I was deeply moved by the anguish they [women survivors of child sexual abuse] had endured.  And I was equally impressed by their integrity , their ability to love and create through such devastation.  I wanted people to know about this, about their strength and their beauty.” (TCTH, p.13)

 

Break the Silence


“No matter how committed you are, it is extremely difficult to heal from child sexual abuse in isolation.  Much of the damage experienced is the result of the secrecy and silence that surrounded the abuse.  Trying to heal while perpetuating that lonely silence is nearly impossible.”  (TCTH, p.22)

*TCTH = The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis

Prime Priority

Give as much commitment to healing as you did to surviving for the last ten or fifteen years.

~ Survivor Quote from The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, page 7