I keep getting stuck on step 5.
But today I have a headache and all my joints hurt and my stomach is on the verge of conniptions. I know all these distresses are from avoiding externalizing the truth of what I experienced and how I really feel about it.
- It really was the abuser’s fault. It wasn’t my fault he crossed boundaries. It wasn’t my fault he sexualized me, he took advantage of me sexually when what I needed was a proper teacher who would challenge my gift but not violate my vulnerabilities.
- It really was BB’s fault he violated me sexually and psychologically.
- Today, right now, the thing that hurts me terribly is that he kept saying “I won’t do anything you don’t really want me to” while he kept gradually advancing each stage of violation.
- I hate even talking about this. I hate the shame it conjures up. I hate him. I hate myself for hating. I hate the school that harbored him. I hate the church that took him in and treated me like an adulteress. I hate the larger community that was so god-damned stupid. I would like to damn to hell all that stupidity, and faux-blind facilitation. I hate all the adults who at the time did nothing to stop him or protect me from him. I also hate my parents’ original naivete.
- Why don’t I hate my parents? Why don’t I hold them to the same standard as other adults? A) Because I have, and I processed all that with them, and they were sorry & mourned & repented & asked forgiveness. Also because they shared with me more of their story of what-all they tried to do at the time. Do I feel shame that they were incompetent? Not really. But I do believe their being pacifists handicapped them. I think they would have fought harder if they weren’t so immersed in 100% pacifist-mentality.
- There’s so much I want to someday tell about what they told me. But for today, I want to shout out loud: It was BB’s fault that he did what he did to me.
- Now, what can I do about that? I don’t know. I still don’t know. And that torments me too. But when I think of how young I was when he started grooming me… yuck!
- And when I think of how I started cutting myself… yet I was so good at taking care of myself – to hide it – I knew good sterile technique… Yet, I showed him what I was doing. But he didn’t do anything for me… When I think about how much I went through so entirely alone… It makes me so very profoundly sad.
- God! I love my younger self! Thank You, God, that I am still alive to know at least that!
- I made a couple of near-attempts at suicide and one real attempt. I survived. I credit God for that. Thank You, God!
- I also credit myself. I think I have an incredibly strong will to live.
- I am proud of my will to live.
- Yes! I am very proud of my will to live. It is a very good thing to have a core self that wants to live no matter how painfully I might experience living.
- My joints don’t hurt now. My stomach is calm. My head-ache is receding.
- But I want to get even further than this point.
- Maybe rather than rush to the next thought of “what should I do about this?” I need to simply celebrate the goodness of being, the goodness of my being.
- What’s wrong with figuring out what I should do about all this? First of all, the “should.” No adult did a damn thing to protect me when I needed it most, yet now there’s a “should” for me? “Do about this”? The main thing to DO is to VALUE MYSELF! And if that’s not enough for the world, then that’s really too bad for the world, and to hell with anyone who can’t understand that. The first priority for every person is to know, value, and treasure their own immeasurable value/ worth/ uniquely-special-gifted sacredness. Amen!
- So, even if anyone doesn’t progress “beyond” valuing their own sacredness, that’s okay. I believe that’s okay because when people get in touch with their own immutable sacredness, they inherently realize all persons are sacred. I liken it to musicians practicing in their practice rooms. Even if no-one ever played ensembles, there would still be a lot of beautiful music happening and no-one harming anyone else. Just like in the Hippocratic Oath that says “First, do no harm.” I would preface it with: “First and always revere one’s own sacred nature.”
- Okay, so today I am holding myself, and holding the joy of knowing I survived. And beyond simply surviving I found again my core-self who knows she is sacred. Praise be Jesus!
- Here’s a link to ASCA Step 5: http://www.ascasupport.org/_html_manuals/survivortothriver/indexSurvivorManual.html And to the questions that follow: http://www.ascasupport.org/_html_manuals/survivortothriver/indexSurvivorManual.html
- I’m not ready to do the questions, but at least I’ve made my self-affirmation.
- Glory, hallelujah.